oday we’re going to start off with a man that sets up a table on a busy corner with a sign that says”Conversations for free”. After a minute or so a couple decides to sit down. They talked for about half an hour. They rambled on about campfire stories, menus of restaurants, good food and even dinosaurs came into the mix.
Once they left, a few other people sat down and the man spent that day speaking with random people in order to develop his own skills within the art of conversation.
Soon enough they discovered that most people are in desperate need of genuine interaction. So in short people just need some authenticity – no strings attached peer to peer support.
Even from long ago in Rome to Paris in the 19th century – conversation has always been seen as an art-form. Now mainstream society has taken to online and now we are communicating through a computer screen. Nevertheless, a computer will never replace a face-to-face interaction and no matter how much you learn online, the skills you learn from actually conversing with people will never be learned any other way.
It’s important that we have human interaction and that we do so face-to-face. Watching a person’s body language and facial expressions is necessary for bonding. We must communicate visually – only then can we ever really judge whether we want to trust someone.
Maybe you’re the more timid and introverted type. Never fear… look ahead because even you can master the art of conversation.
Starting a conversation
For me it can be tough talking to someone I don’t know. One way to become more comfortable with someone we don’t know is through small talk. Small talk is like the beginning course for a meal. When doing this be sure not to bring up anything deep or something that requires the target to strain themselves mentally. A simple story about something funny that happened to you earlier will do just fine. Once the target is more at ease – smiling and relaxed – then you can move on to more intimate topics.
If you happen to receive the pleasure of being invited to a party, I suggest going where the refreshments and appetizers are. There you can practice socializing amongst your peers. Besides, food is a great topic to start out with for initiating a good conversation.
Don’t be afraid to bring up things you like and allow others to do the same. Instead of answering with short answers, explain and finish with a question. An example could be like when someone says, “How’s it going?” Just follow up with something like, “Just got done with legs at the gym. How about you?” This way you can both share each other’s interests and increase trust.
Don’t be reluctant to give a compliment, but always follow up with a question. An example would look like, “Nice shirt – is that Armani?”
Remember a little thing called an open-ended question. This will keep the conversation from dying out and get the target speaking more than you. I’ve listed a few good questions to ask below:
“So do you have anything exciting going on outside of work?” This will most likely lead to something interesting and worthwhile to talk about.
You can even bring up someone you mutually might know: “So how did you meet (name)?”
Also a good thing to do if you can’t answer a question is to ask the target whatever they have asked you. Like if someone asks you something deep like, “Where are you going to be in 5 years?” You can jokingly remark, “I don’t know… where are you going to be in 5 years?” or “Where do you think I’ll be in 5 years? I have no idea.” This is a good way to bring some playful teasing into the conversation and lighten the mood from serious to not-so serious.
I’m sure we’ve all been talking to a girl and have suddenly seen it cave in from lack of interesting content. There is a number of things that could have caused this and I’ve listed a few below…
Staring at your phone: Looking at our phones can be construed as not having respect for someone. If you are going to do so, then be sure to alert the person you are talking with beforehand.
Questions related to personal issues: Stay away from sensitive topics or things that you would find uncomfortable. For example, I wouldn’t ask questions pertaining to politics, religion, sports or how old they are – if they look like they are at a mature age.
Stay away from negativity: Negative remarks like, “Some people’s kids.” or “What a weird outfit.” will make you look like a dick and make people uncomfortable. Also you only get one first impression, so make it a good one.
Relatable topics: Excessive nonsense about your old baseball coach or your favorite soccer player can quickly become dull. I suggest asking questions about your target and find out if you can relate to their interests. Bounce around from your own personal interests and mention a series of things you like. Now look at the target’s eyes to see if they are becoming engaged or if they are waining in interest. If they are having trouble listening, move on to something else or ask a question like, “So do you have anything exciting that has happened to you lately.”
Refrain from talking too much: Let’s say you’re at a dinner and noticing that the majority of the group is nearly done eating, while you still have much further to go – maybe you should dial it back a notch. Maybe you have a hot girl in front of you and a minute into the conversation she excuses herself. Meanwhile you are thinking back and noticing that the only thing you probably remember about her is the initial approach. At this point you should already know you are talking too much. Instead, allow her the opportunity to speak and actually take interest in finding out more about her.
How to converse with those you see regularly
When you’ve gotten to know someone pretty well, then most of the time we stop talking about interesting topics. We go to the default topics relating to work or things that you may have talked about many times before. Below are a few ways to keep the fire burning and to never let it burn out…
Listen: People that see each other a lot tend to stop listening to each other. So we end up just spitting out whatever is on our own minds. The key is to turn off your own thoughts for a moment and tune in to the other person. Just take the time to listen and you never know… your coworker, spouse, girlfriend or friend might actually have something new and intriguing to say.
Give a little: If someone asks if you had a good day and you tell them, “Good.” Then you are giving up a major advantage to build on. Instead explain at least a sentence worth, this will make conversing with you much less dull and make people enjoy talking with us much more.
Get the details: Never tell someone “you know how they feel” or “that you can relate”, because you can’t – you aren’t them. Ask for more information about the problem or subject. Keep the target talking, it will help you get to know them quicker and the more they talk, then the more comfortable they will begin to feel around you. In exchange you’ll bond better and she’ll start to feel as though she did when she first met you.
Keep things moving: Believe it or not, getting people to go to different places with you can have a huge impact on bonding. This is also why I usually like to take my dates to more than just one place when we go out. I might start out in Times Square, head over to a nice little bar that plays Frank Sinatra, then move over to a nice rooftop. For some reason bouncing around from place to place keeps the mood exciting and it’s also a lot of fun showing off all the cool places I know of.
Body language to pay attention to
The best thing about face-to-face interactions is that we can see how the person behaves and not just hear what they are saying. This is often why online dating can be a waste of time for most people.
First we need to identify signs that someone is comfortable. Below I’ve listed a few things that mean you are communicating effectively and building comfort:
-Touching – most of the time it’s touching of the arm.
-Also another sign that someone is comfortable talking with you, believe it or not, can be when people look away. A woman will break eye contact which in return will allow her to interact more care-free.
Now I’m going to list a few signs that a target is uncomfortable:
*When you see the signs below, then it’s probably a good idea to get off the topic that’s being discussed…
– A person blinking abnormally often is a sign that they are nervous.
– Tight lips or biting of lips is a sign that the person is anxious or stressed out.
– Also another pretty obvious sign that someone is uncomfortable is when they raise their shoulders close to their ears. This is somewhat of a turtle neck kind of look and usually means the person either doesn’t feel very confident or feels embarrassed.
– Another indication of discomfort is when someone is moving their feet or bouncing their knees when sitting down. However, depending on the circumstances it can also mean the person has become excited. Think about when a nerdy guy in grade school was sitting next to a girl he liked; he most likely did something similar to this. I guess you can consider it an instinctual response for celebration – much like how some of us dance when we celebrate our days off on the weekends.
To add to what was mentioned above, if the person’s feet are pointed away from you, then they aren’t completely comfortable with the conversation. Furthermore, if their feet are pointed toward you, then they are interested in what you have to say and most likely intrigued.
People also cross their legs when they are comfortable. Usually when two people are both sitting with their legs crossed, while talking, then they are most likely very comfortable with each other – this is also known as mirroring.
Becoming a better listener
It is very uncommon that we actually focus on who we are interacting with. We’re usually thinking about what’s in front of us or what business matters we must attend to. The reality is that most of the time we are more in tune to ourselves than the actual people we are talking with.
Below I’ve listed a few points that will allow us to become better listeners:
Have intent: When conversing we need to learn to be in the moment and open to what the other person has to say. A couple of things that help are breathing deeply before talking to whomever we wish to talk to and also silencing our phones completely; so we won’t be distracted obviously.
Pay attention: Ask questions if you are not understanding exactly what is being said. Be completely honest with how you feel. Actually participate and allow yourself to become engaged in what is going on.
Be fair: Don’t talk down to people or speak as though you are on a pedestal. Don’t give unsolicited advice or advice that wasn’t asked for. The idea is to listen and not assume an authoritative role. Treat everyone engaged as though they are on the same level as you, because they are.
Don’t be afraid to be yourself: Don’t think about the correct way to answer, be genuine and behave congruently with the way you feel. Being congruent is necessary for allowing the other person to understand you better as well.
Know how to excuse yourself
So this is a pretty useful skill and can make an impact on forming solid relationships with anyone you come in contact with. So below I’ve mentioned some helpful point to pay attention to…
Have a goal: If you have a goal in mind it can make the conversation flow much better. Once you’ve accomplished this goal, then you can get it and then move on to whatever you wish to do next. This is good for building business relationships, getting a woman’s number and making connections. Let’s say your goal is to get the contact information of an attractive girl you always see on your way to work everyday. Since you know the purpose, then all you need to think about is approaching, making a connection, maybe suggesting a coffee and popping the question for her contact info. Once you’ve reached your goal, then you can make your exit.
Take advantage of being in groups: Now let’s assume you are with a couple of friends and you want to go talk to a pretty woman that you see by the bar. You can strike up a conversation with someone close by and introduce your friends. Once you see that they are getting along well and now occupied, then you can walk on over to that girl at the bar. I do this a lot, because I know that more than 2 people going up to a pretty girl can be somewhat overwhelming. Plus, like I said earlier… you only get one first impression.
Be truthful: No need to apologize for leaving or to even discuss why you are leaving. All you need to do is highlight the things you enjoyed talking about and then be on your way.
Leave firmly: It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been talking just be sure to keep your eyes locked, grab their hand and give them a firm shake (If dealing with people you don’t wish to get romantically involved with.); maybe even clasp your other hand over the arm you’re shaking. You can even tell them you enjoyed talking with them or that you always learn a lot whenever you’re around them. This kind of behavior will solidify the connection and permit satisfaction to the very end of the interaction.
As for those you wish to be romantically involved with…
Never leave without some kind of kiss, whether it’s on the cheek or the lips. If she isn’t comfortable with the lips quite yet, then move on to the cheek. It’s important that you at least go for a kiss, because it will show you aren’t afraid to go for what you want.
To finish off, here is another good book for everyone; some useful information in here. This book is called…
“The Game” by Neil Strauss A.K.A PUA Style.
Just click the icon below to begin reading now.
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